Couples Counseling: Emergency Service or Meaningful Maintenance

When you hear the term “Couples counseling” it can evoke strong memories of scenes from movies or conversations with friends or coworkers in which the general sentiment is, it was the last resort and the couples who were engaged in it, were already really struggling. For many partners hearing the words “I think we need couples counseling” can cause the world to freeze and the fingers of fear to grip one’s heart. To many people, couples counseling may seem like the last straw or the Hail Mary pass upon which the continuation of the relationship rides, it’s either this or the end. This may seem a tad dramatic and couples counseling can definitely end up being a last resort but the question is, “Does couples counseling have to wait until the end?”

As we look at answering the question we will begin by defining what couples counseling is and what it does. “Couples counseling” is a form of psychotherapy which primarily focuses on the relationship dynamics between two partners in a committed relationship. It is typically an approach that is focused on examining and working towards resolving difficulties that a couple is experiencing which are getting in the way of them growing closer together (American Psychological Association, 2018). The areas that couples counseling works on range from commitment, trust, & infidelity issues; to communication & conflict challenges; money & budgeting related problems; disagreements about parenting; step-parenting dynamics; struggles with substance use; or navigating differing expectations in the relationship (Restivo, 2025). In short, most things that couples are struggling with can be legitimate concerns to bring into counseling. If you have not thought about it before, I will say it here, “you do not have to wait until the last minute, to work on any of these areas in your relationship.” If an area of your relationship is causing you or your partner significant discomfort or distress and you would like help learning how to navigate it together, now can be the time to work on it.

Allow me to illustrate with an example of how couples counseling could be useful to you. Imagine for an instant that you are lucky enough to have purchased a house with your significant other. It’s a beautiful house, not perfect but one that you can see yourself spending many good years in. You start your co-ownership with your partner and realize that you feel a certain excitement as you consider an entire world of dreams and possibilities  that has become available due to your commitment together to own this house. You imagine together how you could decorate this room, or design that one. How you could live in the different spaces, and enjoy being there together for a very long time. Everything seems new, shiny, and full of hope.

Now consider the following: as the weeks, months, and years have gone by, storms have started to chip the paint on the exterior, the winds have blown some shingles off the roof, the stove is starting to go out, the floor has begun to squeak and you feel that living here has lost that new house novelty and sparkle which made life seem so exciting. You and your partner perhaps find yourselves way too busy with work, responsibilities, and other life things to maintain the house. Wanting to have things your own way also impacts your relationship as conflicts about personal preferences seem to become the norm as you find yourself annoyed with quirks that come with living with another human being. Only major issues such as the water heater going out or the roof leaking feel like they warrant the time and effort to discuss with each other the condition of the house or its future. Arguments about how or when to replace or repair those things needing fixing seem to happen more and more often. The times where you are able to enjoy the house together become less and less. You begin to feel that you are too exhausted or disconnected from your partner to even make the efforts necessary to take care of the serious things that you know are developing into significant problems, let alone dream again about bringing about some of your original goals when you started the journey together. You are committed but challenges are making it hard.

My point is this, our relationships can be similar to owning that house. We initially start off with our partner and experience the thrill of a new relationship. The excitement and flood of emotions that accompany spending time and learning about this other person who is also interested in learning and spending time with us is a beautiful thing. However, that period of time does not last forever and similar to realizing that the house needs continuing maintenance in order to keep it looking nice and being a pleasant place to live, our relationships also require continuing efforts and choices to make them places that we enjoy being. If we are not careful we can mistake the effortless initial excitement and emotional love at the beginning of the relationship for the entirety of what it means to be in a committed loving relationship. If we make that error we can begin to think something is wrong with our partner or with us when the initial feelings start to fade or have faded. It may take months or even years but we may eventually find ourselves living “lives of quiet desperation” where we settle for surviving through our relationship rather than thriving in it. Rather than intentionally living with our partner and growing closer as we face life’s many joys, challenges, and busynesses together, we instead find ourselves suffering life to pass us by as we feel more and more disconnected as we drift further and further apart, feeling more and more alone.This is not to say that couples counseling waves a magic wand and all your problems melt away. Instead think of it as a space to help you and your partner to learn or practice new ways of interacting with each other in order to enrich your lives.

With all that said, two questions you have to ask yourself, is, “Do I find myself more often than not, merely surviving through my relationship?” If the answer is “yes”, then ask yourself, “Can I still hope and dream for a life in which my significant other and I are thriving as well as growing closer together?” Your answers to these questions can be a determining factor in deciding if couples counseling is the right choice for you. Regarding relationship satisfaction, unlike other issues that may surface and be resolved in a relationship, research demonstrates that overall satisfaction for couples experiencing distress, does not usually change for the better if the couples do not take steps to try to change for the better (Lebow & Snyder, 2022). 

The answer to the question “Does couples counseling have to wait until the end?” appears to be “no” as there are many ways that couples can utilize the time in counseling to work on behaviors they want to change. The hope and goal of counseling therapy is to not just make your relationship something you tolerate but to transform it into something in which you find shared meaning and purpose with your partner.